A poem about change.

I am just watching the flag wave,
Silently, I stand and wait
I love the wind, the fluttering fabric winks at me.
As it twirls around the pole, my breath stops.
Don't      Don't.    I must free the flag from it's hold.  A straitjacket wrapped tightly around it's holder.
Don't Don't Don't, the flag must stay on the wall.   NO NO.  
I was not going to hurt you.  I would not hit you.  Autism doesn't mean that I am a danger.
I just love how the flag waves at me.  It waves everyday, whether you do or not.  It assumes the welcome I crave and the good bye I see.  Even when you don't.
I would have done you no harm. Not to you or the flag.
I am sorry.  I will still watch the flag.  Now, you must take care of it yourself.  I understand.

What I learned from Martin Pistorious

I am going to plead with my very nice friends who are reading this blog now to be patient with me for a bit.  I just listened to a most awe inspiring talk on the site TED.  I usually don't listen to talks by people I never heard of because I fear a misunderstanding event that will cause me some frustration.  I sometimes misunderstand a term or subject that mom or coach may believe is simple for me.  This usually occurs in more modern type events with words that may have two meanings and I don't know one of them.  However, I could not stop listening once mom began the talk.

I never heard of a man named Martin Pistorious.  He is now someone I must meet.  I and my Mom must somehow find a way to talk to him in person.  The talk he gave on TED was as if someone had read my mind but he was speaking.  How could a man who is not autistic like me describe my feelings.  How could he talk about what I think or thought sometimes?  How could he say now exactly the words I use when I describe myself minus the part about me being female?

Just to describe him, he got some type of terrible infection at twelve years old.  He quickly became like my friends I have, unable to walk, talk, use his own body to feed or change himself.  He became a silent bystander in his life rather than the boy who was the physical master of his body.
As a very limited non-speaking autistic, I can relate to his descriptions to how he would be inside his body screaming to get out.  I relate completely to his lack of trust in the world where you are brought to caregivers by your beloved parents who believe you will be safe to only be yelled at, ridiculed and worse.  I understand the desire to wish for the monotonous days of boredom to end and praying for a way someone will finally see you are alive inside, hoping to be pulled out of your own inability to communicate so another person can understand you.

I feel that some people seem to misunderstand that being ok with the fact you are autistic may not mean you don't want to progress in certain ways.  Can you understand I am very happy I am able to talk with my hands?  I can talk to you now.  But I want more.  I want someday for people to understand more words that I say.  I won't go to any doctor anymore that I don't believe in.  I may never go to a doctor for talking.  mom says I am able to choose this now because I am able to communicate.  She says she may always read, but I am the owner of my body.

When I was 19 I began to talk like this.  I am now a high school graduate and taking courses at my local college.  Mom comes with me and I have friends, but I have a goal of being dropped off for a class like other students.  Maybe someone would meet mom at the parking lot and make sure I walked to class and not the cafe.  But, I know I must work on certain issues before I am ready.  I am with college accommodations, but I know what I feel I can accustom myself first.  Just as I have done before.

My point, to my autistic friends so dear to me, is I have been confused by what I have been reading lately.  I read that Facebook has sites condemning autistic people and I hear lies about us on the news.   I read posts on Facebook I don't understand.  When I first wrote my blog, I was so excited to meet other autistics.  I even met some of you in person.  You are my mentors.  You are my role models.  I am still looking to you to help me be in this world when it is hard.  So that was why I was so surprised to hear Mr. Pistorious' talk.  How could he know how I have been feeling?  He said things only my mind has said to me.  I hope you will watch his TED.

Love,
Emma

chips and cheese and salsa

Chips and cheese and salsa. I love you so.
Just as I am thinking the night may soon descend,
The call for your tasty crunch plagues me.
How to resist, must I convince the lady to my left that my need may indeed create a brilliance I will display tomorrow on my test day.
Chips and cheese and salsa.

Autism Acceptance Day 2015....Here We Go again

Tomorrow I will wear purple, not blue or red.  For all my friends who may know, April 2 is called autism awareness/acceptance day. I am autistic. I am,dare i say,not as nonverbal, but still pretty much.

I am still typing to communicate. You can believe or not. As I type, I am fighting fury and rage that threatens to shut down my ability to continue. i am so angry that autism speaks still does not put any one of the most incredible autistics on their board. I am advocating to autism speaks...please know whether we speak as autistics with our mouths, our hands, our iPads or other methods including supported typing, we can read and just as often, comprehend that reading.  I plead with your large, powerful, charitable organization, no more speak about us as burdens or hardships to our families'.  We are human, not monsters. We may have symptoms that challenge us and those around us, but if the only way the marketing department can raise dollars is to humiliate us, the problem is too big to solve.  I believe you can change.

My autistic advocate friends suggest we wear red, not blue, to reverse the story, shall we say. I love a good gimmick. I am an autistic that doesn't need a red color to be identified.  You see I am an autistic that much of the acceptance refers to.  I need you to accept my inability to speak by mouth is not that I have nothing to say, just that I type it.  I need you to see past my body's difficulty in staying focused and attentive for long periods of time and how I compensate for that, and accept that I am listening and comprehending you.  I need you to not ask me to look you in the eye and accept I see you just fine.  I need you to wait until I finish typing and accept that you may not know what I was going to say.

I need you to accept that if you have a young child who may be non-verbal and very distracted, and " experts" say she isn't comprehending......that child just may surprise you. And go to college, like I am.  

I Am An American and I Voted Today.

I am so proud. I voted.  Twice.....ha ha.  Actually, I use assistive communication to communicate, as you know.  I just couldn't get those pen marks in the circle.  I was given a second ballot and my first one was folded and put into a sealed envelope for discard.  I used a computer.  This computer made perfect markings in my choices.  Mom said she was jealous of how the ovals looked on my ballot.

For some in our Country, voting is taken for granted.  It may even be looked at with humor.  Not for me.  When I was told about guardianship and the issues  surrounding my legal standing, I told the lawyer I insisted on voting. She was just as determined representing me.

I believe that as citizens, all of us need the voting booth to in the most important manner,  be our draft, our service to our Country.  We, in fact, must remember that those elected send our cousins and big brothers and new sisters in laws and friends named Terry and countless others in harms way. We must be the guardians of those who guard us.

So, it has been a special day. A long day that I may have been too distracted feeling proud to finish my math homework.  I am disabled. I am autistic, a young woman with many complexities.  I did vote proudly. 

I am Back

I missed you. I want to tell you what I have been doing. I think I will overwhelm you. Perhaps you will forget some of what the experts say about us. Perhaps you will look at us differently.
My friends understand.  This is for some of you who thought you knew better.
Mostly this is for my friends I haven't met yet, like me. Don't give up.
I will write more... I have my college to attend.

Love,
Emma

See You Around The Campus

To all my dear friends and family,
 Maybe I can write a poem to say now the joy and yes terror in my heart for my posting today..

On my birthday,
I say happy birthday to my cake.
On my mother's birthday, I say happy birthday to her face.
On my father's birthday I say happy birthday to his eyes.
On my birthday I sing.









In May I will graduate from my most wonderful school. I will earn a real diploma. A college preparatory diploma.  I will attend the local community college here.  I took the placement tests.  It was terrifying. I had not the ability to communicate in my most comfortable manner. I sat and with my determination to successfully show that I would attend, I completed the test in days of 1hr blocks.
A young autistic non-speaking , more -speaking, woman has been prepared for enrollment in the summer term.  I will begin with online courses as I transition from my loving inclusive school.  I had to learn how to sit through classes. I never went in a class before this school where I had homework and tests and read books that were not for children.  I had to learn that Robinson Crusoe wasn't really stranded.  I never had an English class that defined literature terms.  My mom has been my ambulator.  That is the term I use for when she supports me in typing.  My first year of talking with my hand, that's what I call this, mrs. Nikki was my teacher.  I think she helped me learn that I was smart.  Before then, I just couldn't communicate in a way people understood.  I don't blame people for trying their ways.  I hope they understand now that it just didn't work.  Sometimes people talk differently.  It doesn't mean the language isn't real.

Mrs. Nikki got sick and my most wonderful principal asked mom to take over.  She said I was very capable. She said she believed in me.  She said I needed lots of help learning how to follow classroom rules.  If I could, I should come to classes.  I learned most wonderful things.  How you must take turns speaking. I learned people thought I have a good comedic flair.  I learned people are really nice to me when I tell them I am scared.  I learned i didn't needed to worry about my person as much when people knew I was misunderstanding.  I learned I am nice and do understand other peoples feelings.  I just can't respond in some ways like my classmates.  I know I am disabled but I am thinking my voice is not the disability.
 I am like a young woman with a mind that independently wants to focus on many things simultaneously and can't decide how or which to do first.  I believe that my brain is loaded in all ways of potential intelligible activity and actions to perform functions like thought, speak, hear, feel and more all simultaneously.  how and which is most important?  I am learning now but I still need help.  I decide on times perhaps less important to goals I have. other times I need assistance to focus myself.  it is a new concept for me. I have real independent decisions I make.  never before did I know I could be pushed to answer but say no when I want.  I am no longer a passive student in school.  I actively participate in my education.  I have curriculum and teachers and assignments.  however, I am able to ask questions now.  education is not my teacher's decision only, I participate.


The reason I am writing  today is I have decided to rename  this blog.  In anticipation of my graduation and matriculation to college,  the new name for this blog will be:  Emma's Adventures in College.  We will invite you all to my site when mom and I figure all the details out..


I would like, however, to thank some special people.  Mrs .Kathy and Mrs. Dorothy, I will love you always.  My friend Doris, Jonathan, Dina and my English classmates,  Mrs. Diane and John, Phyllis, Kristin, Mr. Chip and my  Lowes team members, Dr. W. and Davica, my friend Mike, Rabbi and Barbara, Kathy, Rick, Nick and Steele, Sue and Bennett, Stacy and Della, and  Renee as well as my Temple family I love you very much.




I need to say a special thank you to a few people who don't  take compliments well.  Dr.  Kathy knew I was me in 5th grade.  She was the woman that said I was more.  Christine is why I talk.  Angelique showed me how. I had a safe school for when I needed it, thank you Roberta and Laura.  Jackie and Paula give me safety to learn.  Lili is the sister I didn't have. Courtney is the sister I have now. Cousins David and Danny are my new best brothers, Cousin Rachel always knew me.  Omi and all my California family as I love you with all my heart.  I could not have learned to listen except from Dr. Diana and Pam.' I love you. Amy S., you were the first person I could talk to who was like me.  I will never forget it.   my cous Susan is a good friend and I love my uncle Philip.  My life would not be what it is now without Coach z  and PP.  I look forward to our phone calls daily.  I can only thank my mom and dad and now big bro with his wife saying I am proud to say I am a part of this family.

I will end today by saying this:  See you around the campus.  I will. be the one wearing my college tee shirt..

Shut down

I have  not written a blog posting in a few months. I have been been doing many eventful things.  My brother got married and also a moved all his belongings out of our house that I know as my safe home. I am as happy for him as I can find myself although as autistic can take a while to see my house safe the same way.  Maybe I should explain.  I have a picture brain that is made just like a camera. I see in a picture and then it stays.  I don't change the picture . If I am forced to it hurts me for a while.  Time will help and I do have joy for him.

When I couldn't talk with my hand people thought i didn't understand anything, even what they said right infront of me.  I always did.

Please read my friend Kitt's blog Autistichick.blogspot.com
  She wrote the best post I have ever read.

I will write again soon,
Love, Emma

Today is This is Autism Flash blog Day

Today is special.  Today is This is Autism Flashblog day. I am the happiest, most exhausted autistic young woman I know.  My most wonderful day began when I read my beautiful friend little Emma's first blog post. I know her and her mommy, friend Ariane from emmashopebook.com. I met them. They are real friends, the kind you wish good for only.  This is autism.

Little Emma types rpm. I want to one day. I have a good sense of humor. I told mom I can learn rpm and type more independent. Then she won't  need to carry drumstick around all the time.  This is autism.

I am smart. I love to learn in my classes. Mom holds the drumstick when I type.   She  doesn't teach me, I attend classes.  My economics is well, very overwhelming for mom.  Today I began to teach my most wonderful professor how to type with me.  I was very anxious. I had to let him touch me. Everyone  who knows me knows this is hard.  This is autism.

I went to my work today.  I have worked for school credit for two years.  I will graduate in  may. I typed to my boss that I love my job. I typed today i want pay work. I surprised us both when I said verbally ''I am somebody".  He said to give him two weeks to figure something out.  This is autism.

I am tired but so happy.  This is Autism Flashblog day is a very good day for us all. I believe.
love, Emma S

Today is a big day for me. Maybe the biggest yet i have had . I am going to train someone at the college to assist me taking the standard test pert. I never took a placement test before and she is new to me.
Have me when you in your own thoughts. Please. Love, emma

Hello There Expert of Me

Today I read in Facebook post the true report of how more nonverbal boy is able to talk with his hand using iPad.  I love this because  number 1:. More nonverbal people can let their God given voices be heard. Mom says it, laugh,  doesn't matter how you Talk. Just mentionably talk. I say unvoiced people have different ways than people  for speech works. I believe if autistic persons or people with autism whichever prefer ,are to be studied like human beings the experts studying us need language and some manners teaching first.  I read how the expert from Atlanta described autistic people not able to ask personal questions and not being somehow rewarded like pavlovian dogs for speech. I perhaps should comment I read a number of books,  yes I know who skinner was and pavlovs dogs. However, my interest in reciting this is to say that the expert obviously was not concerned that he or she accurate. If perhaps truth was the goal, the expert would speak to the subject in  the person's language of most comfort. it might be the expert learn a few things.
That language may be typing. I type with slight assistance from my mom and dad and Jackie and now i am teaching paula. I say assistance as the synonym for support. I am the one typing. I am the person with the thought. If you took a person who needed help walking would you question whose feet were moving?  I am not insulted if I am singled out in a room for being too verbally loud. But I am furious when a so called expert makes a blanket statement that influences potential people I have never met with more negatives
In conclusion I believe a field trip to Atlanta may be coming to see this expert. I am interested in how  we might get along. I do have a personal question,if I may.... have you any watches that do not come with a sweeping second hand?

Cry

Today I really wish god would feel sickness of sad people and forget for them have painful feelings are my. I am saying I wish god would evaporate pain for many people so his children didn't cause more hurt in world.
 How I wish for jack his friend not shot. How I so wish my  cousin Tim was here now. I wish my big bro good fortune but not with never with casualties of military.
Autism is my diagnosis. Emma is my name.

Emma's Messiah Miracle of Music: Language is Not Just Verbal

Emma's Messiah Miracle of Music: Language is Not Just Verbal: I believe I have learned possibly the most momentus, important information so far in my life.   I learned about the language of intent  . I ...

Language is Not Just Verbal

I believe I have learned possibly the most momentus, important information so far in my life.   I learned about the language of intent  . I learned I talk in many ways. mom told me I knew this all along. I just wasn't perhaps ready.  you see I learned that my language is  verbal , my typing and.my language of   physical activity.

the language of physical activity is new to my brain understanding. I am autistic. A ll my life  I have been told to change behavior . I have been told to not move or move. I have been told stop now. don't move .I have been told I am not to write here. perhaps I have been told don't laugh.  perhaps I have even been given directions on physical personal hygiene issues.  my physical being was not language.

mom and her friend yelled. I was surprised. mom was surprised. she might be loud sometimes. but never have I heard yell at friend.  she said "see emma, everyone acts like a 6 year old once in a while. the hope is to let your 6 year old do other things like play in the dirt or paint or play basketball so you don't do what I just did." mom gardens and beads jewelry.

well this is how I learned about my own physical language.

I really missed my big brother when he went away to college.  I was angry he left me.  I would write all over  his mail after he left for college.  I was telling everyone I was not just mad, I was saying I was mad he didn't live with us. I told mom and dad last night by typing. they both said they knew what I was trying to say. I was shocked. I was really shocked. they knew I was mad that he left before I was able to" talk with my hand". I say" talk with my hand" because mom says it doesn't matter how I communicate as long as I am understood.

I never knew that I was me to mom and dad all along. I never understood that my physical body was mine to send a message that mom and dad understood.  I never realized that 6 year old negative acting out can sometimes stop if maybe I pay attention to my physical language now because my body does belong to me.

I am thankful I learned somethings that might seem too personal to be taught by people not family.i need repetition when it comes to physical training. my brain is wired that way perhaps. in concrete issues, I need help. however, at no time was I taught or even told that my actions sent a message I could control.  I think I have learned more and need to perhaps blog again.

My Journey to 1000 Ausome Things

On this day called '1000 Ausome Things'#AutismPositivity2013 as named by Leah Kelly I would like to offer this thought to my friends.

I was first diadnosed 18.5 years ago at a army hospital called Walter Reed medical center. I remember. You see I am very much like how Mr.and Mrs.Markham describe autistics in their paper The Intense World of Autism. I read this because of my friend Ariane Zurcher in her wonderful blog emmashopebook.com

This paper and my own  Neuromonic therapy combined with supported  typing has opened my world to ideas that never could be dared to even dream.
I am typing today by holding a dowel in my hand .Mom barely holds the other end for focus needs.at home when not studying for school I am trying to type more independently. I have a big brother. he is getting married and moving. my desire is to always be connected to him without assistance. I am accomplishing this now as we email each other. As of now in fact twice independent complete letters I typed. He is proud of me and does not mind the errors my brain makes in such distraction.
I attend a wonderful small co-operative academy that now has fully included me. I am right now typing my flashblog for my Mrs. Noonan's English high school class homework.  The assignment is citing internet sources. Who could dream just three years ago I was on a totally different path.
I need to say this however.  On this day of positivity I only plead as someone who has been traumatized still by voices I still hear saying I will be cured. Don't allow children to hear the voices of professionals make promises no one knows is true. As I have turned 21 I hear the statements made to mom who wanted my best life at the expense of hers and mine and my big brother and dads.   Mom is most definitely my best advocate but her path has hurt her as well.
If you asked me now what I value most about autism I must say my sensory system. I feel. I feel wiffs of moms hair and I can feel a sunshine rain after it is over by seeing a picture  .I can look at an umbrella and see a picture of my big brother. And I can sing happy birthday and taste cake.

I am a work in progress.  I love my life now in a way I never thought I would.

Today

Today I am sitting in a wonderful school that has recognized me before in some ways I  did. I unfortunately have been to many schools in my time. I was not aggressive until I could talk with my hand.  You see before that I really didn't live until I came home and watched Barney. My ears hurt with bees like a buzz saw so bad I just moved to get through anything. I did not really see either. The hurt made my mind close. I couldn't sleep or focus . I would look for mom and finally breathe. The only relief I found was watching Barney on the video. I never thought he wasn't real. I thought that my Barney friends were really alive and knew I was there with them. I never considered perhaps that a purple suited dinosaur might be a kids mentionable show. Laugh. Now I am amazed I did not understand this.  When I started to hand talk I was 19 years old. I had not started my music therapy and the bees were still horrific. I hadn't told anyone yet. No one had asked. You see unless somebody asked the right question, I never thought to offer information. I mentionably have still issues with this. mom is helping me now daily by asking me if I have anything I need to mention. it reminds me to tell her if my body hurts or other important issues. 
  I was so excited to attend a recent event.  During that event a statement was made concerning autistics my age.  I now realize this statement was without any intention of generating anyone anxiety. However I became very very confused about this comment because I am emotionally younger in many ways than my 21 years as I indicated before.  I learned that 1.  I must not compare my path to anyone even if it is my hero.  2.  people say things by mistake and we should not assume ill intent first.  3.I have  a lot of maturing to do before I consider myself  an advocate I would be willing to be responsible for others in their growth or progress. 
 Acceptance is also acceptance of my own need to learn about how to accept myself now, before and whatever the world and God has instore for me.

Autism Acceptance Day

I am on perhaps such an important day willing to speak out for my friends who  are now unable as I was three years ago.
I am now able to speak with my hand and better by mouth.  I am infact fully participating in my world in so many ways. I do all my speaking to all my medical doctors and they fully respect me as me, not as moms imaginary friend who tags along sometimes making a proper verbal comment. I was my own advocate during my final IEP meeting, even reminding mom I can speak for myself! She laughed. I work at Lowes for school credit and frankly believe I could maybe train a few of my peers, laugh.

Perhaps I should speak for really what I believe acceptance is.  Acceptance is not working for a agency,school,or medical practice or social agency that is for disabled and speaking like we don't understand or even exist. I am somebody with feelings that deserve respect. My mind may not show on the outside like when maybe I have jumped or danced in a room when others stared  but I understood everything said by hateful people making fun of my joy of the music.  I understood what was said by teachers about me or my mom. I understood and remember. Having a sticker on your car or wearing the tee shirt isn't acceptance.
Acceptance is knowing my neurology is not the same as yours. You don't have to like when I scream, mom says sometimes we have to leave when I get really loud. She says we can go in the car because people  sometimes get scared.  She doesn't. She says ok lets yell now. But I actually understand because I don't like loud noises either.
Autism acceptance day for me is a day for my friends who still may not speak yet with their hands or mouth to know I will not forget you.  And to my friends who knew I was inside before I could know, I thank you for believing.

Autism Speaks, Don't YOU Forget Us in April

Red spatula today is what?
Red spatula is just that.
Questioned parties. I am the party for which.
How's the writing Emma?
and how do you make a period go away when you don't need it I wonder?
So you think we don't think and just mindlessly watch, do you?
You Fool.
We weep and we try not to let you hurt us anymore.
 I am healthhy and guess what?
 I am going to solve algebra problems with my dad.

Autistic people should feel loved

Today is my birthday. I am now officially  a new adult woman. In my opinion autistic people should feel loved like I do now. I didn't always feel this way. I am weeping inside for how I have allowed perhaps my lack of verbal speech to run my days with fear. I accept myself with love however I communicate. I perhaps may speak more with patience and time. I may not. My brother nick loves me. My temple loves me my student that I tutor loves me. My friends at school love me. My lowes workers love me.  My family of mom and dad love me. Coach and Pom Pom love. Mom and my dad love me. On whole...I am the luckiest girl . Excuse me adult I know. In conclusion, autistic people should feel loved.
.

mom the mean diet coke interventionist

i am an addict of diet soda
green or orange. red coke. i love the bubbles perhaps more that erupt in the back of my throat. i run to purse or wallet in anticipation of the tingle. i am addicted. the end