Language is Not Just Verbal

I believe I have learned possibly the most momentus, important information so far in my life.   I learned about the language of intent  . I learned I talk in many ways. mom told me I knew this all along. I just wasn't perhaps ready.  you see I learned that my language is  verbal , my typing and.my language of   physical activity.

the language of physical activity is new to my brain understanding. I am autistic. A ll my life  I have been told to change behavior . I have been told to not move or move. I have been told stop now. don't move .I have been told I am not to write here. perhaps I have been told don't laugh.  perhaps I have even been given directions on physical personal hygiene issues.  my physical being was not language.

mom and her friend yelled. I was surprised. mom was surprised. she might be loud sometimes. but never have I heard yell at friend.  she said "see emma, everyone acts like a 6 year old once in a while. the hope is to let your 6 year old do other things like play in the dirt or paint or play basketball so you don't do what I just did." mom gardens and beads jewelry.

well this is how I learned about my own physical language.

I really missed my big brother when he went away to college.  I was angry he left me.  I would write all over  his mail after he left for college.  I was telling everyone I was not just mad, I was saying I was mad he didn't live with us. I told mom and dad last night by typing. they both said they knew what I was trying to say. I was shocked. I was really shocked. they knew I was mad that he left before I was able to" talk with my hand". I say" talk with my hand" because mom says it doesn't matter how I communicate as long as I am understood.

I never knew that I was me to mom and dad all along. I never understood that my physical body was mine to send a message that mom and dad understood.  I never realized that 6 year old negative acting out can sometimes stop if maybe I pay attention to my physical language now because my body does belong to me.

I am thankful I learned somethings that might seem too personal to be taught by people not family.i need repetition when it comes to physical training. my brain is wired that way perhaps. in concrete issues, I need help. however, at no time was I taught or even told that my actions sent a message I could control.  I think I have learned more and need to perhaps blog again.