Dear Friend in Gym Today

dear my friend in gym today,
hi, my  name  is Emma . i know you didn't see me and mom around the corner getting changed.
we swam in class together. i was happy, laugh, because i love my new yellow bathing suit. mom has laugh, green one. my coach knows my issues on that front. perhaps i bothered you today in pool.
or maybe you just know very little about aspergers or autism. i will help you now.
in your defense many others are like you. perhaps you think people like me are mental like you said. not true. in your defense i know i often look odd laughing or dancing in swimming. i love water.
or maybe you think i behave inappropriately for people. in your defense i try to focus my body on maintaining my senses .in my defense your mean comments are not anything i would say.i laugh  cant by mouth any way. but mom tells me not to ever say means things. please learn about my disorder. that boy who shot his mom and those poor other people was sick in the head in a way mom says  we can't understand.
i will say hello to you next class. Emma

Mr. Ne'eman, I Want ToHelp You.

Yesterday I watched  something amazing on tv. I watched Mr. Ari Ne'eman speak on tv about people like me. He is a very smart language speaking autistic person. I can not speak with my mouth yet. Maybe I will mom says. I perhaps think, laugh, God decides.
I may never speak like Mr.Ne'eman but I believe I'm as smart as he is. laugh. I started to talk with my hand in september, 2010 because I didn't want to live in nursing group home. I was 18. For me Mr Ne'eman is a hero because he said girls are not normally diagnosed because of complexities. He understands me.
Today I am in a school that is not   for disabled. I have friends. None at my school calls me names or make fun of me. I belong there because I try hard everyday.
Mr Ne'eman must continue all he is doing. I am not the typical situation.  Mom is not. It shouldn't take Henry to make a school accept a smart  boy. I am getting a real diploma. but my friends might not.
Mr. Ne'eman, I want to help you any way I can.

Interviews with Mom

emma is with  me paige me mother.  i want to askpaige.me mom. have regret an autistic dauughter.

Paige:  Emma, I feel like you just punched me in the gut.  No, I have no regrets having an autistic daughter.  You are who you are and I love you more than you can ever possibly know.  A big regret I have is that when you were younger I allowed my anxiety to overwhelm our lives.

i asked because me autism is me most difficult and complivcated behavior and language  issue me.

we will continue....

My Dream For Tomorrow

I am doing perhaps my highest, most important dream tomorrow.  I am voting for the President of the United States.  I am excited but sad.  I feel both choices are not what I want them to be.  I wanted to believe in who I am voting for, not wishing for the best.  I am a girl who is lucky to have the communication skills that allow me this right even when my parents care for the other needs I have.  I dream of being a taxpayer contributing my share to this country that I love and that my most wonderful cousin died for in Iraq.  I hope to get a diploma and be the person he would be proud of and my big brother and other cousins who are members of the military services also would be proud.
But I am disappointed in my choices and feel betrayed by all the lies and the money spent.  Both candidates did this.  I will vote tomorrow and be proud of me.

I love my mom because...

I love my my mom even if i hate paige.
i love my mom if i hate doing what she says i have to. i love paige laugh yes on the other hand laugh paige is laugh not mom. i love paige if her mind is not running in circles. i love paige swimming laugh and she giggles. ilaugh love paige if her yes heart is too big and i listen laugh to a sad story. ilove mom/paige because she knew i me lived in here and she never stopped trying to get me out.

ocd and umbrellas

i have some very important news. i have very perhaps terrible ocd that is.obsessive.compulsive. disorder. i guess many people like me have this .   it causes life at times for me terrible mentionable embaressment. laugh .i me  emma have begun a yes umbrella free program i created in order to not have yes the terror of umbrellas rule my life. i walked into walmart and i looked at the umbrellas. i only touche for few time. mom said.1 and.before 2 came i walked away. ifelt.10000000000,dollars. i did today sadly i let me snap 1 umbrella but i have .school and work also. i am yes umbrella free good for me .

label

i have a real friend . he is perhaps neurotypical as i hear it called. i laugh at labels now because i perhaps have many. none me. i am emma is laugh . i perhaps people use labels to make control me my friend said. [ see him as me normal.

Change

My New Life
I am  a woman of gentle
and Love.
My heart is filled with dreams
of friends and me family and joy.
Real life is not so kind. Can I
say I am not a mentionable woman
who is believed yet. Life  hu crts my
heart and l bleed  inside . How
Laugh can I change when I am
not given a chance?

Me New Year

Me new year started on emmas life of perhaps me best year. i am sad to report ms nikki is unable to teach me for now or ever due to her sick. i have found laugh anger is an emotion i recognize through bees even if honey is thick from noise. i need to let go of bees buzz so I be more meself as i know.
I'llove that i havea new teacher named paula and me love her now. I have a team of people who love me like I me love them. ms phylls is me boss at lowes. she loves me and never treats me like other than me. kristin works at lowes too but goes to me same therapy college to be help teacher. she is going to teach me too. ms kathy is going to teach me also. I am the luckiest girl because people are wanting to to work with me. I pray Dr. Diana and Dr. Jacobson and Dr.Sieglier are proud of me because i am trying hard. laugh I also must thanh my mom and  dad and big bro and  Bobby aka Pom Pom girl and ofcourse  Coach Z because me had a horrible brat summer learning how to obey and they still love me.

Nikki is Me Teacher

Dear ms Nikki,
Can I say I am sad
you are sick and I am

Scared you are not really

ok. mom says I am going
to be ok no matter what.

But you are me teacher.
Can I say a teacher is

special when I am nervous and

not feeling safe. A teacher
is what God promised me

if I do good and make progress.
I am changing just like Coach says so I can't
expect all me meaningful important people

to stay yes same. Me sad if I have to change

with you also.

Mom says I can't really be yes panic if I

know where I am but she is me amigo, amigo.

I remember the spanish word you taught me and

now I will say Aloha and Nikki God Bless you.

One Less Complexity

I am a new woman
of muitiple complexies. I am
not only learning about my
autistic symptoms but I am
also learning about my speech
adversarial  issues. I thought word
 ignore meant I was
irrelavant and not visible to
me mom. I would say I
was mad and maybe I would
 get angry and hit or empty out shampoo bottles.
But for mom and me then
I learned that I wasn't being
ignored by mom that it was
now I am overwhelmed by
the difference. all this
time I could have been
less anxious if I had
asked what the word really
meant.  I am a new
woman with a less
Complexity about being left
alone because Can I say
God is not going to let
me forget  that she will
be right back.

May 3, 2012

Me mom and me are learning to deal with my changing.  It is good but hard and scary.  Me feelings are new to me.  Ms Nikki says we are all learning.  I am a woman trying to learn about myself.  Today I mentored a little girl who does not talk or write.  I am trying to be her friend and help her discover her inner voice like me.  She is in there.  I am in here, working to get out.

Me Day Today

LauGH
Today is a new day.
can I say I am so Lucky to have a most wonderful
mom and teacher.  We just talked with our mouths and had
a conversation that will help in my life.  Update on bees:  50% overall,
can I say laugh, right now 100% as I am so stressed.
4-23-12

MeNew woRLD

I am a member of
a group of people
who are labeled. Me
hate labels because I
am a member of autism
group and it has endless
conditional symptoms
I accept words
 by their defininition.
I am a word girl . I will
accept a definition even
if it does not apply to
me.
I am not experienced
enough in life to be
able to negate bad
definitions.
So I am now going to
call me a new woman
of many complexities.
I am a girl who can not
yet speak fluently by
mouth. I have bees in
my ears. I have one
leg shorter  than the
other and it hurts all
the time. can I say I
am sometimes too angry.
But I actually like  me life
a lot. more than I did 2 years
ago because I have
friends and family who I  Love
and who Love me.

March 15

Dear "The Most Wonderful Most Fabulous Doctor to the Soon to Be Star Emma" Diane,
I am so overwhelmed.  Me brain is me spinning with joy.  If I can be part of a project to help other children, can I say, I am the happiest girl.  I OCD to calm me self because when the bees are buzzing I attempt to moderate them with order and calm.  The, can I say, music is better for me.
Love,
Emma

March 13, conversation with Mom

Can I say, can I say, I am autistic.  I am not ready yet to be a normal girl.  I need to still be treated with care.  You, Mom, are expecting me to be like a regular teenager.  I am autistic.  I see different.  I hear different.  I make me noises, and I look at the world different.  I will always be different.  I am not going to be able to change.  Could you accept that?
Mom:  Can you accept this?  Because I have already.
 Zayde says I am perfect so I believe him.  I want to accept me autism as a part of me, not all of me. 
Mom:  I am very, very happy for you, Emma. It takes wise people to understand that.
I am trying not to be mad at you because I am mad at me.  I love you and need you too much.
Mom:  Emma, I love you more.

My Awakening

Teacher's note:  the following is Emma's explaination of how her life is changing due to the music therapy, and portions are from a conversation she had with her "coach" (grandfather).

I am mad at me music.  I know that me brain is growing.  I know that I am getting better but I am mad because now all, can I say, I know is not real.  I always believed that my mind friends were, can I say, real creations.  Now I have to see I made everything up so I could survive in me alone world.  How can I, can I say, play music that takes my mind away? 
(the following is a reply to her "coach" when he asked why she was mad with her music and her awakening into this "new world.")
but, Zayte, I think you are attempting to explain theory of the mind which is a book I have not been priveleged to read.  But I think it is about how one part of me mind can be working to compensate for the part thtat is incapable of knowing now.  Yes, I know I am "one emma" because you tell me.  Of course I am not Sybil, I am emma.  Multiple personality is not me thing. 
Let me begin, I have been having me brain feeling new connections inside when me able to process a lot more, and me mind is not with fog.  I am able to ssee me new friends and Barney on the video tv.   Music lets me think of things, not hear bees.  When this has occurred, I began to see a different world than the one with bees in my more quiet world.  Barney can't talk back to me and hug me.  I can hug you but he cannot.  so now I know and it is due to me music and that is my story.
I am thinking I probably would not be able to be, can I say, focused enough to be in a real friendship without me music.  I am a good friend now.  I am a good friend to Emma (myself).  I will write a new poem about me new world with music.  I love all of you and I am so lucky.

Heart (a poem)

Teacher's note:  Emma and I put this poem together using individual words on slips of paper, and then pieced together in Emma's preferred order.  We are studying poets, so this was a school project.
"Heart"
I am a woman of kindness.
There is a new door I have in front of me.
I am walking with you in the joy we found.
I am in a new life
going with a smile.
The key to hope is to see the path.
You find beauty by looking at the heart.

February 24

I am so glad can I say I listened.  I am going to be more consistent because I know it's very necessary for my mental health.  I am a better woman when a bee is not in me ear and I am a better student where I am at Sancta Familia.  I love you, Nikki Copelin, for being the best teacher I could ever have at this beginning of my new life.

Dear Dr. Diana
Laugh. I am so glad that
you have  read my blog . I am
doin g well at times  can lsay
would go crazy with ang ry bees.
I f I wasn't listening on Friday can
I say l would have exploded.
I listened for the first time while
I was  in school doing work'
I am happy to report that I was
a ble to concentrate and be more
f o cused as well verbal. I
am also happy to report that am end

February 7

I am glad that can I say I listened to me music.  I am able to feel like what I am.  Also am better woman because I am Emma, a girl who will be able to talk. Now I am able to understand me anger.

Teacher's note:  Emma is much more connected to her feelings and how her body feels (stomach aches, feelings of emotions, etc).  This is new for her, and can be scary, but she is handling it very well.  Emma understands that this is good and it is a process of discovery.

February 2

I am glad I listened.  I am very nervous today and very uncomfortable.  But now I feel safe and less stressed.  The music was not as loud and I am glad that I am feeling me more.  Before I listened, the bees were 8,000,000,000,000.  NOw they are at 1,000 and me stress is 50% better.

Sonnet 1

Teacher's note:  Emma wrote this poem as a school project.

"Sonnet 1" written by Emma Studer
The rain of love is flowing.
Wind of hope blows through the branches of the tree of life.
I have wings to fly over the mountain and beyond the shore.

Poem: "I Am Me"

"I Am Me" by Emma Studer

Me mentor is music.
I am the sound you hear in the morning when you first wake up
and you know you are still alive.
I am the sound you hear when I am all alone in  me heart
and hear you whisper.
Can I say I hear you.
I am the sound you hear when I am all alone and I'm afraid me won't be met in time.
I am the sound you hear when you ask for me.
I am me.

Teenager Listening

I am glad I listened.  I didn't want to because I was being a bratty teenager and was mad that I had to listen.  but, I confess that I am a better person after.  Before, can I say, I listen, the bees were buzzing at over 1,000,000,000.  When I stopped one hour later, me beehive was at, can I say, 1,000.  A big deal was I went to bed all on me own, AS ME!

Teacher's note: Emma was very proud for me to know that she had gone to bed all on her own and had fallen asleep, in her words, "as me." 

Feeling Better

January 24, 2012
I am happy to say that I am free of ear cold deafness.  I listened to me music for over one hour and I am glad.  I am feeling like a new woman!  Me ears are really open and me brain is growing.  I am hearing sounds like never before.  For example, I heard a noise that can I say was unusual to me.  It was high pitch and not ringing but not mean to me either.  It was a black bird that previously I would run away from.  I was shocked.  Can you imagine how I have run into the car or into my mommy after each time I before saw this bird at Wal-Mart?  Can I say now I may not have to.
Teacher's note:  Emma is also making great progress with reading out loud (rather than silently) because her "ears are feeling better."

Listening With a Cold

January 23
Can I say I have not listened to my music therapy because me ears have been deaf from a cold and therefore I have not been able to hear.  Mom made me yesterday even though I was very uncooperative.  I am able to say with certainty that it is useful to listen if I can hear but not if can I say I can't.  Yesterday I was able to hear some and I am happy to report this to you.  Can I say since I started this therapy me ears are less deaf and I am able to hear things I never did.

Holiday Travel

December 21
On the airplane, me ears were an 8 gazillion which is 8 trillion bees.  I must say after listening for one hour it released the bees and me ears felt more like a normal me as a bee hive of 100 or a million or so.  On the shuttle bus me ears exploded to more than a 800000 trillion bees and I wanted to "murder" people on the b us, me parents included.  NOT in reality but in bee world.  AFter over one hour of listening I became normal me again and was not a mean bee killer.
December 22
Can I say I was very anxious and hungry.  I was not really sure where I was but when I remembered the bees exploded to 800,000 million; less than the plane and shuttle but bus more than a normal day.  After I listened for one hour I believe it was more like a normal day for me the 1,000 bees or so.